The Love Box

My good friend posted this thought, "Marriage Box" on her wall this morning.  And it was such a perfect lead into some of the thoughts and feelings that have been flooding my heart these last few days that I felt it was inspired and time to try to put them on paper.

First - read it. Important foundation.  Did you do it?  So good, isn't it?

This led me to think about my relationship with my husband, which naturally led me to think about my relationship with my children. 

My son is 3 months old.  When I look at his face, stare into his beautiful deep-blue eyes, do you know what I see?  Acceptance.  Pure love. Love that transcends anything and everything, that buoys you up through any hard day, any trial, any struggle, any tears that may be falling from my eyes and heartache that may be happening in my world.  There is no judgment in his eyes.  I see the way he looks at me and feel cherished.  I feel adored.  I feel like I am the most beautiful person in the world and there is nothing he would rather be doing than staring lovingly into my eyes and laying happily in my arms.

After shedding a few thousand tears as these thoughts washed over me, I realized that those things are EXACTLY what he gets when he stares into MY eyes, when he looks into MY face, when he feels the warmth of MY smile.  Because babies only know what they see in front of them, only know what they have been given.  So I must be giving him what he is giving me, teaching him what he is teaching me. He must look into my eyes and see my love for him, my acceptance of him, my adoration for him, that he is the most precious, beautiful thing in the world to me.

I then looked at my three other children, some days while they were fighting, yelling, ignoring me, making huge messes; and some days while they were playing peacefully together, making me smile with every sentence, pulling my heartstrings with their love, hugs, kisses, "I love you, Mommy" actions and words.  And I was appalled to think that there are moments when they DON'T get from me what my baby does.  Times when they DON'T look in my eyes/face and see and feel all of those beautiful things that he does.  Moments when they receive from me the exact thing I am frustrated with receiving from them.

Does that resonate with you at all?  I know Moms are human, and we CANNOT be "on" all the time!  We are going to make bad choices right along with our children.  We are learning motherhood in WAVES instead of trickles. 

But motherhood is also a box.  Our relationships with our children are also a box.  If we are doing it right, we are putting love in our relationships with our children.  We are putting more love in our children than frustration.  We are putting communication, forgiveness, prayer, priority.  They learn it all first-hand through us.  And because we aren't perfect, they learn forgiveness, humility, persistence, dedication, repentance.  They also learn the art and habits of giving, loving, serving, praising, keeping the box full by constantly contributing TO it. 

On the other hand, if they learn to take more than they put in, they are also learning to live in an empty box. 

There are a lot of empty boxes in this world.  But I truly believe that if our children leave our homes with full boxes, leave full boxes behind them in the relationships they had while at home, our children will create a world of FULL boxes.  They won't know how to do any different!

Truly the hand that rocks the cradle IS the hand that rules the world.  And parenthood is the key that will give this world a lot more FULL boxes!

So that, my friends, is my Deliberate Mom goal for this week.  Fill my children's boxes to overflowing.

Communicating with My Kids

One of my goals this year is to start each day with my "Power Hour" - 20 minutes of meditation, 20 minutes of fitness, 20 minutes to learn something new.  As I thought about what kinds of "learn something new" things I wanted to focus on, I instantly knew that I needed to find a new way to communicate with my head-strong kids NOW so that - when they get older - we have that solid foundation of love, openness, and respect to lead us through the teenage years.

I went to Amazon and found this book - highly recommended and rated: Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children.  I was looking into How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk and Talk So Your Kid Will Listen, but this one was in the comments/reviews as more thorough/hands-on, so I decided to start with it and see where it leads.

What are some of your favorite parenting books?  I'd love some suggestions for future Power Hour Learning Topics!

Creating a Love Affair - With Yourself!!!

From Voicesofglass.com

I love this from Tiffany Peterson - one of my favorite professional development coaches out there!!!  Today's tip is for YOU, MOM -- Yes, YOU!!!  Trust me!!!  The best thing about DOING these things: when your children leave home, these habits will be natural for them; they won't even have to THINK about it - they'll just expect it for themselves and from the world.  Imagine a world full of children like THAT! I'm smiling just THINKING about it! ;-)

Your self esteem is like your set of fingerprints - they're on everything you touch: your bank account, your relationships, your health, you name it. It has a direct influence to how we show up in life and the results we're creating - or sabotaging.

The good news? You can build your confidence & self esteem like any other muscle to make it stronger and healthier in your life. You also can go to work on you, which in turn will go to work on everything in your life.

Consider this - do you treat yourself like a top priority in your life? Do you cheer yourself on or tear yourself down? Do you put everyone else first and yourself last, or not at all?

Quick Inventory: Where would you rate your current level of self esteem?

Now, ask yourself, what's one thing I can do to improve it? Begin doing it immediately! Part of building great self esteem is trusting ourselves and taking action on what our heart or intuition guides us to do.

This topic is deep and broad and we could literally do a 3 day workshop just on self esteem together. To help you get started on a path to enhancing your self esteem and therefore your life, consider these few insights to support you:

1.    Trust. Self confidence comes from having a deep sense of trust within ourselves. Do you trust yourself? If no, can you forgive yourself and commit to repairing trust within you? Stephen Covey teaches that the fastest way to build trust with ourselves and others is "to make and keep commitments"...whereas the opposite is also true. Every time we make and break commitments, we erode trust. Tighten up your word with yourself so you feel confident that you're in integrity with the boss - you!

2.    Self Care. Do you take time to exercise, get good sleep, pray or meditate - or any other activity that helps your physical and emotional well being? Do you make time for you? If not, begin with 15 minutes per day to start investing in you. This simple practice will add up to a big deal.

3.    Date Yourself. (I loved typing that by the way!) What I call a "Joy List", choose to do at least one thing a week that is just for you - a massage, a game of golf, hiking, baking your favorite treat - whatever brings you joy on any level, free to expensive, that brings you a sense of joy to your life. Ideally you do something daily or multiple times a week, but at least begin with one a week. You are responsible for your happiness - so go create it!

When our BEHAVIOR backs up the BELIEF that we're valuable and deserving, amazing things happen. Affirmations without action are simply "make believe." If your behavior doesn't align with the belief that you're fabulous, worthy, valuable, etc. then you'll struggle to really believe it and live it.

Deliberate Mom Assignment:

Create your own joy list - whether on a note pad, your laptop, or smart phone - begin adding things to it as you go that bring you joy - and then do them! Begin this week with doing at least one thing for yourself that brings you joy.

Whether you start small or go big, make yourself and your self esteem a top priority in your life.  You'll not only feel better, but you'll also attract better results to you.

See Yourself CLEARLY

Mirror Mirror on the Wall Fine Art Print - Jeff Kolker

I love the innocent thought-processes of children.

My 2-yr-old, who had just finished getting her hair done, ran downstairs and said, "Look, Daddy!" Daddy told her that she was the most beautiful little girl in the whole world! My 4-yr-old said, "But Daddy, I thought I was the most beautiful!"

My husband explained that just because her sister was beautiful too didn't make her any LESS beautiful, and that she was his VERY SPECIAL girl.

She said, "But Daddy - sometimes you get mad at me, like yesterday, and give me spankings." He said that sometimes she makes bad choices, so she does get in trouble.

She looked at him and said, "But I thought I was your special girl." He said she was. She said, "But Daddy! That just doesn't make any sense!"

I love how confident she is, that she expects everyone else to see her as only the best, the greatest, and to treat her that way ALWAYS!  Sometimes I don't love it so much - but mostly I wouldn't change it for anything in the world!

I remember when she was born, looking at her and wondering how in the world anyone in her life could ever look at her and see anything BUT beauty and goodness.  I thought about the hard times she would face growing up, the cruel jokes and comments kids make, the struggles and challenges of mortality.  And I shuddered at the thought that she would EVER buy into any of the lies and believe she was anything less than the VERY best, the MOST beautiful.

In some ways, that may reflect more on my struggles than hers - and me wanting to protect her from them.  But somehow we have managed, up to this point at least, to flood her with confidence - which, to her credit, she has received with elegance and grace.

What do you see in yourself?  What comes to mind when you envision YOU?

I am reminded of a scripture passage in 1 Corinthians 13:11-12 ---
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a [wo]man, I put away childish things.  For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

See yourself CLEARLY today!  Not through a glass, darkly, but in full light!  See yourself as the amazing, beautiful, special, talented, dynamic person that you are! As you move towards making resolutions for the next year, include a tradition of making resolutions of CELEBRATION and GRATITUDE. Truly you deserve NOTHING less!

Sleep? What's the BIG DEAL, Anyway?

We have all heard that sleep is important to our health - whatever our goals.  But do you know WHY it is so important/what essential things happen when you sleep?  I didn't!  I just heard an interview with Dr. Paul Anderson - a medical doctor in both Canada and the U.S. who specializes in natural remedies/cures to ailments instead of medical ones.  All I can say is - I DEFINITELY need to work on the sleep factor! :-)  Now if someone could give me the magic pills to make my KIDS perfect the sleep factor . . . .
 

10 Things You Probably Don't Know About Sleep But Need To:
1) A good night's sleep means you don't wake up more than once during the night.
2) A good night's sleep is at least 7 hours of natural, deep sleep.

3) During deep sleep, you release your growth hormone (fat-burning hormone).
4) Deep sleep between 12 a.m. and 2 a.m. gives you maximum hormone production, rebuilds neurotransmitters in your brain, and turns off body inflammation. SO GET TO BED EARLY, in other words!
5) Sleeping pills don't allow you to get to deep sleep. They are unnatural. So, though you are technically sleeping, you are never really rested and don't reap the benefits of deep sleep.
6) Not sleeping enough can make you GAIN WEIGHT. The University of Washington took identical twins - one they let sleep more than 7 hours, the other less than 7 hours. The one that didn't get enough sleep put on 5 lbs of FAT (not water retention or inflammation - FAT) in four weeks.
7) If you get adequate sleep, you can reduce your body fat by 33%.
8) Neurotransmitters are our anti-stress system in our brain - they are enhanced/rebuilt when we sleep. So sleep reduces stress/cortisol levels from our brains to our entire system.
9) You can't make up sleep. No sleeping 5 hours one night and 10 hours another and reaping the same benefits. You need 7-12 hours every single night.

10) Increased stress, unhealthy weight gain, disconnected neurotransmitters, etc. all shorten our DNA.  Shortened DNA=Shortened Lifespan.  So getting adequate sleep actually increases your lifespan!

"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

Maybe there's more truth to that than I realized! :-)

I Choose

There is a lesson that my husband has tried to teach me several times since we got married. Eleanore Roosevelt said it best:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." In fact, no one can make you anything without your permission.

When I read this "I Choose" quote on Pinterest, it really summed that powerful lesson up for me.

Our lives are the product of our choices.  And NO ONE dictates those to us.  Not your boss, not your kids, not your spouse, not your family/friends, not your enemies. Other people may apply significant pressure, may cause you to feel you don't have a choice; but that lie will never lead you to happiness.  Your choice is to follow them, to give into the pressure, or to choose you. It is not always easy, but it doesn't change the fact that YOUR LIFE IS YOURS ALONE.  And you only get one.

Some of the most inspirational, motivational, life-changing people in history got backed into a corner by family, work, friends, society . . . and CHOSE a different path. It was a harder path.  But our lives are better for it, and because of that choice to choose a harder road, we actually know who they are today and have benefited from them!

Your life is yours alone. And you only get one.

What do YOU CHOOSE today?

I Think I Can . . . And Do!

One of the things I do NOT like to hear my children say is, "Mommy - I CA-AN'T!!!" (Insert whiny-voice-you-know-all-too-well here).

To counter that (and get rid of the whine), I started to cut them off as soon as/just after they said it and say, "Uh-uh. No cant's! Say, 'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can' . . . and DO!"

The other day, and on a few other occasions, I heard my 4-year-old trying something new and saying softly under her breath, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can . . . and DO!" over and over again.  There was probably some soft singing mixed in there as well -- she's cute like that!

It really hit me how powerful our thoughts are!  How powerful the voices in your head that teach you something over and over again.  I have seen the sign all over Pinterest that your voice becomes the voice in your children's heads, so you must watch what you are telling them.  It reminds me of a song in the musical Into the Woods: "Careful the things you say, children will listen!"
I have always loved this saying:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Our thoughts are shaped by so many things - what we read, what we hear, what we listen to, who we surround ourselves with, what we say, what others say.

Control your mind . . . control your future!

Teach your children empowering thoughts!  Teach them to say, "I can! I do! I am! I will!"  Teach them to say, "I am strong! I am beautiful! I am smart! I am talented! I am fun!" and other things that affirm all they are instead of what they are not!

How will you do that?

You'll start with YOU!  You'll start by weeding your garden of all the negative, degrading, self-doubting, self-depricating thoughts that may exist in your head.  You'll start by turning, 'I can't!' into 'I think I can . . . and DO!'  You'll start by weeding your garden of any weeds that are already planted there, no matter how deep the roots.

1. Get a notebook or a piece of paper to carry around with you/have near you for a few days to a few weeks.  
2. Pay attention to your thoughts.  
3. Every time a negative thought enters your head, write it down on that paper/in that notebook.  Then write down anything associated with it - anything that led up to it, any negative memory surrounding it. How you reacted to it/projected it.
4. After a week or two of doing this - write yourself a letter of all the negatives you need to remove from your life.  Tell yourself that they have no power over you any more, that you refuse to listen to them anymore.  Tell yourself why they were there to begin with and that you are ready to be done with them.  One of my professors would call this the "Blood Essay" because it allows you to bleed out all the negative on paper - and often times it allows you to look pain square in the face and not run from it.
5. Once you have written yourself a letter, share it with someone you love/trust!  It's so important to validate - to yourself and someone important to you/trustworthy - that you have had these thoughts and feelings, that they have been very real to you in your life.  BUT that you are also DONE with them!  Choose someone constant, someone you know will never use it against you or even try to give you advice about/talk you out of feeling it.  Just someone who will let you share your emotional vomit for a minute and be done with it forever!
6. After you've validated, BURN it!  Burn that letter!  Or tear it up into a million pieces and flush it down the toilet.  Whatever it takes to permanently get rid of it as a symbol of your readiness to move forward from it.
7. Start to dream up and re-think all the wonderful things that are going to replace those thoughts in your life!

The Tree

My friend Peni posted a picture of this - her favorite tree in her yard - yesterday.  She said it is the most beautiful green in the Summer and produces the most beautiful colors in the Fall.  I asked her what kind of tree it was, and she said she can't remember.  They got it about 5 years ago - the nursery said it was a "dead tree" and gave it to them for free.  They took it home, planted it, nourished it, and this is what it became.

What lessons for life that tree represents!

I read a book by Jordan Adler a few days ago.  In it, he talks about how many times in his life he "failed" at something simply because he listened to those who said it wasn't possible, it was a bad idea, it would never take him anywhere, he was dumb for even trying it.  And he said that he allowed those thoughts to take root and - pretty soon - started to believe them so much that he quit.

Not only did he believe them, but he fed them.  He started looking for failure in his life - bought into the label that he was unlucky. And where he looked for evidence of that, he found it!  He failed at everything he tried, never got a lucky break from anything in his life.

Until one day . . . someone told him he was lucky!  Someone told him he was good at something, had the magic touch!  And from then on, that little seed of belief and faith planted in his heart and mind and started to grow . . . and grow . . . and grow.

He learned that the difference in his life up to that point was not that he had been unlucky and was suddenly a changed person, but that he planted unlucky in his mind and allowed it to kill all "luck" in his path.  Whenever a situation presented itself, he saw obstacles as evidence it was destined to fail instead of simply obstacles with solutions, that could be overcome.

A Nursery's dead tree - one they had nurtured from a seed and intended to sell to gain a profit; one they gave away because it would never grow or amount to anything - is now a family's favorite!  It brings them joy in multiple seasons.  It is thriving, flourishing, and beautiful to ANYONE who sees it!

What made the difference?  What is making the difference in how YOU live and what YOU expect to get from YOUR life? Think about that - dig deep into your heart and listen to what answers it gives you.

And for today . . . enjoy this beautiful tree!

Everyone Knows Something

I recently attended a meeting with some pretty amazing, inspirational women presenting on how to succeed in achieving your goals.  One lady - a woman from Florida named Onyx Coale - blew me away!  She got up on stage and shared a few nuggets I will share with you in future posts - mostly about life and happiness and success.

She then picked up this huge box from Amazon and took out 5 copies of a book.  She told us what it was that she had gleaned from it, why it was so important, and then asked who wanted a copy.  Bummed that I didn't get one, I was surprised to see her run up to the box and take out 10 copies of another book.  She told us what it was about, what she had learned from it, and asked who wanted a copy.  She continued to repeat this process six or seven times, with different books each time.

Then she told us her secret to success: LEARN all you can!  Every time she meets someone who impacts her in some way -- or even has a chance to sit and visit with someone new for an extended period of time -- she always asks them what book has had the greatest influence on them in their lives.  Or what book has shaped them in some way.  And whatever their answer, she writes it down and buys the book.  She has, in her office, an entire shelf of the books that have been suggested to her - some she has read already and passed along to us, some she has yet to read.

This experience reminded me of something my mom once wrote me. "Everyone you meet today knows something you do not, but need to."

You are surrounded by opportunities to learn and grow!  From each of your children - yes, they really do teach you the biggest lessons, don't they? - to your spouse to your neighbors to your coworkers to the lady ringing you up in the checkout line at the grocery store.  Each one of them can TEACH you something!

You don't have to step out of your world OR your comfort zone to expand your mind and learn something new.  You just need to have "ears to hear."  So go do it!  Do it TODAY!

Waiting for PERFECT?

What do you WANT from your life?  Have you sat down and created a VISION for where you are headed, what you want to have, what you want to do, what you want to create?  Do you have a savings plan, a retirement plan, a budget to pay off your debt?  Do you have family vacations you are definitely going to take, physical aspirations you are definitely going to accomplish, or maybe even on a smaller note you have a room in the house you are going to reorganize or paint or decorate a certain way?  Are you stuck in today . . . waiting for PERFECT?

Guess what?  PERFECT is probably not coming the way you think.

I know for me, there are so many things that I DON'T DO because I want them to be PERFECT!  I'm the "all or nothing", "success or bust" girl.  The QUEEN of it, actually!  For example:

• I miss dating my husband!  I know it would be SO GOOD for us to get out once a week and have a fantastic date night.  But it's so hard (and so expensive) to plan something every week.  And then we have to find a babysitter, and make sure the kids are in bed.  And then I have to think of something besides dinner and a movie that I can afford.  Hmmm . . . maybe this is why we don't date?  Perfect is Good; But DONE is Better!
• I have a friend who sent me an e-mail weeks ago.  I keep meaning to reply to her - because she is SUCH a great friend that I don't want her to think I don't have time for her.  But I don't ever have time to write ALL that I want to write - or all that she asked me about - so instead of "jipping" her on a so-so reply, I wait until I can write the reply she deserves . . . . until it drifts to the bottom of my e-mail list and I forget it's even there.  Perfect is Good; But DONE is Better!
• I want to eat organically across the board!  I want the BEST nutrition for me and for my kids!  I want to get a PERFECT workout in every single day - exercise 45 minutes, make sure I have the right mix of cardio and weights in my week.  I want to be sure I incorporate ALL of Bob Harper's rules . . . and everyone else's who has had success, for that matter.  And today - I just don't have the energy for a 45 minute workout, so I'll be sure to wake up tomorrow and get that workout in.  Because I really want it - I KNOW it matters!  Tomorrow . . . I'll eat better, follow all the rules, have the PERFECT exercise routine . . . order ALL of the supplements I need to enjoy optimal health and make sure I am going to be healthy and happy for years to come . . . tomorrow . . . . Perfect is Good; But DONE is Better!
• I want to keep a family journal.  The kids say so many cute things every day.  They are growing so fast!  I don't want to miss ONE THING while we are living it.  And pictures - you HAVE to have pictures to go with it.  I need to be better about taking pictures and posting them on my blog and sharing them with other people.  I am going to do ALL of that . . . for each child . . . . PERFECT is Good; But DONE is Better!

What PERFECT are you waiting for?  Stop waiting.  And LIVE whatever part of your dream/desire you can TODAY!  Start where you are and DO SOMETHING.  Then tomorrow, do something more.  Then the next day, a little bit more.  Because as AMAZING as perfect is . . . DONE, even a fraction of done, really IS perfect!

Embracing The University of Life

I remember attending a devotional my first year of college.  I don't remember who the Keynote speaker was, but I do remember that they invited his wife to speak right before him.
She was a tall, thin, very elegant, well-put-together lady.  As she spoke, she shared what she had studied in college, how they had met, that she had stayed home with their children, and then moved onto things she admired and appreciated in the man we were about to hear from.

One thing really impressed me . . . and stayed with me for years.  She said that she appreciated that "Bob" would come home at night and take the time to sit and visit with her about the news, what was happening in the world, what he had seen or learned that day, etc.  Because in her world, she had one channel and one language: Kid Speak.  She didn't have time to open the paper or turn on the news.  And she hated not being informed and having more intelligent thoughts and conversations each day that revolved around topics other than laundry, meals, daily arguments and disagreements, and whether or not her child would allow her to change his diaper.  I took a mental note that I would marry a man who would do the same for me. 

HOWEVER, I have since learned that it isn't enough for me to rely on what he brings home to me.  Our interests are so different that we both grow so much when we are both "bringing home" something interesting to talk about.  And no matter how hard he tries, I will never be interested in the intricacies of electronic warfare.  And no matter how hard I try, he will never embrace with childish delight any and all information on nutrition and health that I try to get him excited about.

But I also get that it isn't easy!  My life really does revolve in so many ways around "Kid Speak."  I served a mission in Chile. For years after I came home, I often spoke and interacted with Spanish-speakers and even taught in the Spanish language.  Then I had my twins.  And people with whom I had previously been able to converse with ease in the Spanish language started to tell me that I needed to keep up with it.  I needed to do this or say this or try to practice in this way.  And though I graciously thanked them, what I was really thinking inside was, "Friend - I appreciate the suggestion. But today I am feeling lucky to think and speak coherent thoughts in ENGLISH.  Keeping up my Spanish is the LEAST of my worries!"  And since I have an M.A. in English, that realization alone is also a punch in the stomach at times!  LOL!

Still, we HAVE to remember that our minds are incredible things!  But they are not stagnant things and can so easily turn to mush if we let them.  We CANNOT let them.

A great man once said that he would rather educate a daughter than a son.  Women, mothers, are the heart of the home, the Angels of the Hearth.  And what we have within us is what our children will glean from us.  We may get Kid Speak from them, but they are getting the words, the ideas, the attitudes, and the character BEHIND that Kid Speak from US!

My challenge to us all this week is to tap into that intelligence that is uniquely ours - to wake up our perhaps mushy brains and find something we are passionate about, something that puts the sparkle back in our eyes to talk about, and learn something about it that we didn't know before (or knew and have since forgotten).

In college, we were blessed to have a focused topic, degree, course of study, etc.  But this - THIS more important and much larger university we are studying in now - is the University of Life.  And it holds no bounds on us to restrict what we can learn, study, perfect, perform, and achieve!

So let's embrace and celebrate the revised school of learning ahead of us!  And lets make it a focused part of our lives TODAY!