The Love Box

My good friend posted this thought, "Marriage Box" on her wall this morning.  And it was such a perfect lead into some of the thoughts and feelings that have been flooding my heart these last few days that I felt it was inspired and time to try to put them on paper.

First - read it. Important foundation.  Did you do it?  So good, isn't it?

This led me to think about my relationship with my husband, which naturally led me to think about my relationship with my children. 

My son is 3 months old.  When I look at his face, stare into his beautiful deep-blue eyes, do you know what I see?  Acceptance.  Pure love. Love that transcends anything and everything, that buoys you up through any hard day, any trial, any struggle, any tears that may be falling from my eyes and heartache that may be happening in my world.  There is no judgment in his eyes.  I see the way he looks at me and feel cherished.  I feel adored.  I feel like I am the most beautiful person in the world and there is nothing he would rather be doing than staring lovingly into my eyes and laying happily in my arms.

After shedding a few thousand tears as these thoughts washed over me, I realized that those things are EXACTLY what he gets when he stares into MY eyes, when he looks into MY face, when he feels the warmth of MY smile.  Because babies only know what they see in front of them, only know what they have been given.  So I must be giving him what he is giving me, teaching him what he is teaching me. He must look into my eyes and see my love for him, my acceptance of him, my adoration for him, that he is the most precious, beautiful thing in the world to me.

I then looked at my three other children, some days while they were fighting, yelling, ignoring me, making huge messes; and some days while they were playing peacefully together, making me smile with every sentence, pulling my heartstrings with their love, hugs, kisses, "I love you, Mommy" actions and words.  And I was appalled to think that there are moments when they DON'T get from me what my baby does.  Times when they DON'T look in my eyes/face and see and feel all of those beautiful things that he does.  Moments when they receive from me the exact thing I am frustrated with receiving from them.

Does that resonate with you at all?  I know Moms are human, and we CANNOT be "on" all the time!  We are going to make bad choices right along with our children.  We are learning motherhood in WAVES instead of trickles. 

But motherhood is also a box.  Our relationships with our children are also a box.  If we are doing it right, we are putting love in our relationships with our children.  We are putting more love in our children than frustration.  We are putting communication, forgiveness, prayer, priority.  They learn it all first-hand through us.  And because we aren't perfect, they learn forgiveness, humility, persistence, dedication, repentance.  They also learn the art and habits of giving, loving, serving, praising, keeping the box full by constantly contributing TO it. 

On the other hand, if they learn to take more than they put in, they are also learning to live in an empty box. 

There are a lot of empty boxes in this world.  But I truly believe that if our children leave our homes with full boxes, leave full boxes behind them in the relationships they had while at home, our children will create a world of FULL boxes.  They won't know how to do any different!

Truly the hand that rocks the cradle IS the hand that rules the world.  And parenthood is the key that will give this world a lot more FULL boxes!

So that, my friends, is my Deliberate Mom goal for this week.  Fill my children's boxes to overflowing.

Creating a Love Affair - With Yourself!!!

From Voicesofglass.com

I love this from Tiffany Peterson - one of my favorite professional development coaches out there!!!  Today's tip is for YOU, MOM -- Yes, YOU!!!  Trust me!!!  The best thing about DOING these things: when your children leave home, these habits will be natural for them; they won't even have to THINK about it - they'll just expect it for themselves and from the world.  Imagine a world full of children like THAT! I'm smiling just THINKING about it! ;-)

Your self esteem is like your set of fingerprints - they're on everything you touch: your bank account, your relationships, your health, you name it. It has a direct influence to how we show up in life and the results we're creating - or sabotaging.

The good news? You can build your confidence & self esteem like any other muscle to make it stronger and healthier in your life. You also can go to work on you, which in turn will go to work on everything in your life.

Consider this - do you treat yourself like a top priority in your life? Do you cheer yourself on or tear yourself down? Do you put everyone else first and yourself last, or not at all?

Quick Inventory: Where would you rate your current level of self esteem?

Now, ask yourself, what's one thing I can do to improve it? Begin doing it immediately! Part of building great self esteem is trusting ourselves and taking action on what our heart or intuition guides us to do.

This topic is deep and broad and we could literally do a 3 day workshop just on self esteem together. To help you get started on a path to enhancing your self esteem and therefore your life, consider these few insights to support you:

1.    Trust. Self confidence comes from having a deep sense of trust within ourselves. Do you trust yourself? If no, can you forgive yourself and commit to repairing trust within you? Stephen Covey teaches that the fastest way to build trust with ourselves and others is "to make and keep commitments"...whereas the opposite is also true. Every time we make and break commitments, we erode trust. Tighten up your word with yourself so you feel confident that you're in integrity with the boss - you!

2.    Self Care. Do you take time to exercise, get good sleep, pray or meditate - or any other activity that helps your physical and emotional well being? Do you make time for you? If not, begin with 15 minutes per day to start investing in you. This simple practice will add up to a big deal.

3.    Date Yourself. (I loved typing that by the way!) What I call a "Joy List", choose to do at least one thing a week that is just for you - a massage, a game of golf, hiking, baking your favorite treat - whatever brings you joy on any level, free to expensive, that brings you a sense of joy to your life. Ideally you do something daily or multiple times a week, but at least begin with one a week. You are responsible for your happiness - so go create it!

When our BEHAVIOR backs up the BELIEF that we're valuable and deserving, amazing things happen. Affirmations without action are simply "make believe." If your behavior doesn't align with the belief that you're fabulous, worthy, valuable, etc. then you'll struggle to really believe it and live it.

Deliberate Mom Assignment:

Create your own joy list - whether on a note pad, your laptop, or smart phone - begin adding things to it as you go that bring you joy - and then do them! Begin this week with doing at least one thing for yourself that brings you joy.

Whether you start small or go big, make yourself and your self esteem a top priority in your life.  You'll not only feel better, but you'll also attract better results to you.

See Yourself CLEARLY

Mirror Mirror on the Wall Fine Art Print - Jeff Kolker

I love the innocent thought-processes of children.

My 2-yr-old, who had just finished getting her hair done, ran downstairs and said, "Look, Daddy!" Daddy told her that she was the most beautiful little girl in the whole world! My 4-yr-old said, "But Daddy, I thought I was the most beautiful!"

My husband explained that just because her sister was beautiful too didn't make her any LESS beautiful, and that she was his VERY SPECIAL girl.

She said, "But Daddy - sometimes you get mad at me, like yesterday, and give me spankings." He said that sometimes she makes bad choices, so she does get in trouble.

She looked at him and said, "But I thought I was your special girl." He said she was. She said, "But Daddy! That just doesn't make any sense!"

I love how confident she is, that she expects everyone else to see her as only the best, the greatest, and to treat her that way ALWAYS!  Sometimes I don't love it so much - but mostly I wouldn't change it for anything in the world!

I remember when she was born, looking at her and wondering how in the world anyone in her life could ever look at her and see anything BUT beauty and goodness.  I thought about the hard times she would face growing up, the cruel jokes and comments kids make, the struggles and challenges of mortality.  And I shuddered at the thought that she would EVER buy into any of the lies and believe she was anything less than the VERY best, the MOST beautiful.

In some ways, that may reflect more on my struggles than hers - and me wanting to protect her from them.  But somehow we have managed, up to this point at least, to flood her with confidence - which, to her credit, she has received with elegance and grace.

What do you see in yourself?  What comes to mind when you envision YOU?

I am reminded of a scripture passage in 1 Corinthians 13:11-12 ---
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a [wo]man, I put away childish things.  For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

See yourself CLEARLY today!  Not through a glass, darkly, but in full light!  See yourself as the amazing, beautiful, special, talented, dynamic person that you are! As you move towards making resolutions for the next year, include a tradition of making resolutions of CELEBRATION and GRATITUDE. Truly you deserve NOTHING less!

The Tree

My friend Peni posted a picture of this - her favorite tree in her yard - yesterday.  She said it is the most beautiful green in the Summer and produces the most beautiful colors in the Fall.  I asked her what kind of tree it was, and she said she can't remember.  They got it about 5 years ago - the nursery said it was a "dead tree" and gave it to them for free.  They took it home, planted it, nourished it, and this is what it became.

What lessons for life that tree represents!

I read a book by Jordan Adler a few days ago.  In it, he talks about how many times in his life he "failed" at something simply because he listened to those who said it wasn't possible, it was a bad idea, it would never take him anywhere, he was dumb for even trying it.  And he said that he allowed those thoughts to take root and - pretty soon - started to believe them so much that he quit.

Not only did he believe them, but he fed them.  He started looking for failure in his life - bought into the label that he was unlucky. And where he looked for evidence of that, he found it!  He failed at everything he tried, never got a lucky break from anything in his life.

Until one day . . . someone told him he was lucky!  Someone told him he was good at something, had the magic touch!  And from then on, that little seed of belief and faith planted in his heart and mind and started to grow . . . and grow . . . and grow.

He learned that the difference in his life up to that point was not that he had been unlucky and was suddenly a changed person, but that he planted unlucky in his mind and allowed it to kill all "luck" in his path.  Whenever a situation presented itself, he saw obstacles as evidence it was destined to fail instead of simply obstacles with solutions, that could be overcome.

A Nursery's dead tree - one they had nurtured from a seed and intended to sell to gain a profit; one they gave away because it would never grow or amount to anything - is now a family's favorite!  It brings them joy in multiple seasons.  It is thriving, flourishing, and beautiful to ANYONE who sees it!

What made the difference?  What is making the difference in how YOU live and what YOU expect to get from YOUR life? Think about that - dig deep into your heart and listen to what answers it gives you.

And for today . . . enjoy this beautiful tree!

Trust Your Heart

Sometimes I look in my children's eyes and I wonder if I am doing it right.

Am I teaching them the essential things?  Am I giving them enough attention and time?  Am I creating within them a desire to rely on and love each other, to want to be a part of each others lives?  Do they know I love them most, even when I struggle to find the energy, power, and light in myself and my own motherhood?

If you are like me, you have - at least once in your life - been on the receiving end of untimely criticism.  Perhaps you have even been on the receiving end of harsh judgments passed by other people - or even society at large - that left you wondering what you were doing, about the choices you were making, and if you were giving the best to the things that matter most.

Perhaps you have even fallen into the comparison trap at times - looking through rose-colored glasses at the "does everything perfectly" family/marriage/home/parent/child.  And in the face of that perfection, you have felt even more keenly your imperfection.  You have tried to implement all of the good advice, duplicate all of the great traditions, discipline like all of the great parents, make your children follow the perfect goal chart, stick to the perfect housekeeping plan, practice all of the perfect relationship counsels, and in the end felt completely overwhelmed by it all and even more like a failure than you ever felt before.

That is why I love this advice from Onyx Coale: "Trust your heart and what is right for YOU.  And when it all looks like a mess, and nothing makes ANY sense, keep your eye fixed on the GOAL . . . and just keep going!"

There are a lot of people who have learned great things while walking a road similar to yours. And learning those things can definitely empower and be a beautiful help in becoming better.

HOWEVER, no one - no matter how long they have lived or what experiences they have had - has walked YOUR road!  No one has ever raised YOUR children.  No one has ever been in YOUR marriage.  No one has ever organized YOUR home.  No one has ever lived in YOUR head and heart.  No one has ever had your delicate balance of challenges, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, talents, abilities, fears, struggles, experiences, failures, and successes.  Only YOUR HEART knows what is best for YOU.  Only YOUR HEART knows how to delicately maneuver - and at times even just survive - YOUR life!  And for the moments when you feel even you don't know, no one else has the stewardship or right to receive answers and find out like YOU do.

So take a minute - or a few every day - to sift through all the voices in your head, to find YOUR voice - your TRUE voice!  Determine your top goals in each aspect of your life.  Jack Canfield said, "If you could teach your children just 10 things - no more - what would they be?"  Identify what the MOST important things are in each area of your life.  And then CREATE the life of YOUR dreams, within the context of YOUR reality. 

Identifying will empower you to make it through the voices of others.  You won't rely on THEIR approval or experience with THEIR lives and goals.  Nor will you judge them for what they have done differently than you choose to.  And it won't destroy you if they don't give that approval to you for yours.  You will be able to take the BEST of what they offer and leave the rest behind because you will know WHERE you are going and WHY.  You will know WHO and WHAT are leading you, and you will get strength in knowing you are following YOUR compass and YOUR path. And that knowledge will give you confidence and empowerment to get through the hard times.

When things get hard, when it all looks like a mess and makes NO SENSE AT ALL - even to you, let alone to anyone else - go back to that list, go back to the Source, keep your eye fixed on what matters the most to you and where you are headed, and block out all the other voices until only YOURS is guiding you how to just . . . keep . . . going.

Will you make mistakes?  Definitely.  But they will be YOUR mistakes; and when you look back on your life, they will dim in the face of the JOY you feel at having realized YOUR goals.

Waiting for PERFECT?

What do you WANT from your life?  Have you sat down and created a VISION for where you are headed, what you want to have, what you want to do, what you want to create?  Do you have a savings plan, a retirement plan, a budget to pay off your debt?  Do you have family vacations you are definitely going to take, physical aspirations you are definitely going to accomplish, or maybe even on a smaller note you have a room in the house you are going to reorganize or paint or decorate a certain way?  Are you stuck in today . . . waiting for PERFECT?

Guess what?  PERFECT is probably not coming the way you think.

I know for me, there are so many things that I DON'T DO because I want them to be PERFECT!  I'm the "all or nothing", "success or bust" girl.  The QUEEN of it, actually!  For example:

• I miss dating my husband!  I know it would be SO GOOD for us to get out once a week and have a fantastic date night.  But it's so hard (and so expensive) to plan something every week.  And then we have to find a babysitter, and make sure the kids are in bed.  And then I have to think of something besides dinner and a movie that I can afford.  Hmmm . . . maybe this is why we don't date?  Perfect is Good; But DONE is Better!
• I have a friend who sent me an e-mail weeks ago.  I keep meaning to reply to her - because she is SUCH a great friend that I don't want her to think I don't have time for her.  But I don't ever have time to write ALL that I want to write - or all that she asked me about - so instead of "jipping" her on a so-so reply, I wait until I can write the reply she deserves . . . . until it drifts to the bottom of my e-mail list and I forget it's even there.  Perfect is Good; But DONE is Better!
• I want to eat organically across the board!  I want the BEST nutrition for me and for my kids!  I want to get a PERFECT workout in every single day - exercise 45 minutes, make sure I have the right mix of cardio and weights in my week.  I want to be sure I incorporate ALL of Bob Harper's rules . . . and everyone else's who has had success, for that matter.  And today - I just don't have the energy for a 45 minute workout, so I'll be sure to wake up tomorrow and get that workout in.  Because I really want it - I KNOW it matters!  Tomorrow . . . I'll eat better, follow all the rules, have the PERFECT exercise routine . . . order ALL of the supplements I need to enjoy optimal health and make sure I am going to be healthy and happy for years to come . . . tomorrow . . . . Perfect is Good; But DONE is Better!
• I want to keep a family journal.  The kids say so many cute things every day.  They are growing so fast!  I don't want to miss ONE THING while we are living it.  And pictures - you HAVE to have pictures to go with it.  I need to be better about taking pictures and posting them on my blog and sharing them with other people.  I am going to do ALL of that . . . for each child . . . . PERFECT is Good; But DONE is Better!

What PERFECT are you waiting for?  Stop waiting.  And LIVE whatever part of your dream/desire you can TODAY!  Start where you are and DO SOMETHING.  Then tomorrow, do something more.  Then the next day, a little bit more.  Because as AMAZING as perfect is . . . DONE, even a fraction of done, really IS perfect!

RAID the Clutter Bug

I HATE SPIDERS.  Bugs of all types, really.  We used to live in sunny southern California -- with cockroaches and fairly large black widow spiders.  Not even exaggerating, I didn't sleep with the lights off for the first few months we lived there! LOL!  You cannot imagine how draining it was for me to live - essentially for two years - looking at the floor every time I stepped out into my garage, having a cockroach fall off the door frame onto my hand or into my laundry basket, walking around my car before I let my kids go out there to make sure there wasn't a black widow spider they were going to find intriguing and try to grab.  Seriously - my kids went through a stage of swatting bugs with their hands and thinking it was pretty darn cool!

What a draining time!  Imagine how much energy that took from me, living in that kind of fear at every turn, waking up before my kids to make sure I killed or got rid of any roaches that had found their way into our house in the middle of the night.  Wow is right!

But here's the "So What" and how that almost therapy-inducing irrationality can benefit BOTH of us now that I'm no longer living there.  WHAT IS YOUR BUG?  What is your cockroach, your black widow spider? 

Is there a corner (or a table) that you walk past every single day that drives you CRAZY every time you do?  How much time, energy, and thoughts do you give to that silly table/corner?  CLEAN it and be done with it. Redirect that energy to something that is going to DO something for you and HELP you create the life of your dreams.

Is there a person in your life who always drains you and pulls you down? That person that every time they come over or call, you just get tied in knots inside and then feel all sorts of guilty afterwards?  Take care of that. Take control of that relationship and fix whatever is off . . . or simply get rid of it all together . . . so you can give all that NEGATIVE energy to yourself, your children, your spouse, your home, etc.

Is there one thing you think every single day, "Oh, man! I still didn't get around to _______ today"? Do it FIRST today!  If it's exercising, calling someone you have been thinking about, taking time out for yourself to build your relationship with your Maker, or even just sit down on the sofa and do nothing with your spouse after a busy week.  DO IT today!  Don't let it be your negative energy any longer.  When you end a day strong, you start the next day even stronger.

Today is about YOU!  It's about deliberately CREATING the life and the person and the family of your dreams.  Get rid of the CLUTTER BUGS of your life, and fill your life with the positive energy that you'll have when you feel EMPOWERED by the control you have over them!!! And then turn around and use that energy to CREATE something WORTH holding a place in your life.

Have You REALLY Got a Dream?

I just had the amazing opportunity of attending a weekend conference that was ALL ABOUT empowering the Woman Entrepreneur.  There were so many amazingly inspirational people there - people who were donating their precious time and talents to devote themselves to us - women with a dream that this world can be a better place for ourselves, for our families, for our neighbors, for everyone.  And women who turn that dream into a passion with a plan of action. Well, spending a lot of time with such women is a very moving, very powerful thing!

But as the event drew to a close, I suddenly had that feeling that I had about two seconds before I was going to burst into tears and had better head for a sanctuary FAST!  So I did - I hid myself in a bathroom stall and cried silently for quite some time.  Then I left the room, fully composed (or so I thought), walked right up to a presenter's table, and broke down again!  It was a GREAT first impression moment, let me tell you! LOL! :-)

But really, it wasn't.  It made me feel so uncomfortable to be the center of attention in a moment of weakness and vulnerability; a moment when - to this particular person - I would have defined myself as confident, composed, a leader, even an equal; a moment that was so full of so many thoughts and feelings that I couldn't even identify or articulate what was going on with me.  Can you relate?  Have you ever been there?

As I have taken time to reflect on that these last few hours, I have realized a few things:
1) Nothing happened at that Conference to CREATE those feelings that moved me to tears.  It was all stuff I was already carrying around inside of me, things that I had not had enough exclusive time by myself to think about or even realize were lurking in the shadows. We NEED that reflection time on a consistent basis!  It's how we are wired, really, as women!  And it isn't something that anyone is going to GIVE us - we literally have to CREATE it for ourselves.

2) I. Am. Vulnerable.  And I do not like to be vulnerable.  But as I learned from Tiffany Peterson (The Lighthouse Principles) this weekend, being vulnerable - being UNCOMFORTABLE - in the pursuit of your dreams is part of the process that will lead you to be unstoppable and successful!  I need to be okay with uncomfortable to get to MY real power!  Vulnerable is not always bad.

3) I still don't know exactly what was wrong with me, but I do know that it left me feeling this overwhelming sense of being incredibly directed and incredibly lost at the same time. And now I need to clear the lost and get to the directed to find what God was trying to teach me with it all.

"So, what?" you might ask yourself if you were me and were the kind that believed all lessons are only as valuable as the action they move you to make.  "So, what?"  To be honest, I don't know yet.  But I DO know that this is a step that is going to have a very real role in helping me define, create, and LIVE my dreams!  And whatever it is that is pulling my heartstrings is a very REAL and POWERFUL part of that.  Definitely a step to lead me to defining, internalizing, and creating those dreams.

What do I hope YOU will take from this? As Rapunzel said, "Haven't any of you ever had a dream?"  I think at times as mothers, the answer is "No" far too often.  The dream is lost in the process of living -- even living IT through motherhood.  But you have to HAVE the dream before you can go and LIVE the dream!  You have to DEFINE the dream before you can go and CREATE the dream.  And you have to EMBRACE the struggles that lead up to you having it before you can go and OVERCOME the struggles and turn them to empowerment in your pursuit.  Even if your dream IS motherhood and you are already LIVING it, you have to KNOW that it is your dream to fully LIVE it as such.

Go. DEFINE your dreams!  And then definitely, definitely - Go. Live (create) your dreams!

For Every Stop . . . There IS a GO!

LIFE IS BUSY!  Isn't it?  It's like you set out to really accomplish a certain goal, and either that goal takes over and you find yourself overwhelmingly busy in the pursuit of it -- OR -- life takes over and you find yourself never quite getting around to it.

The answer is in my favorite word on this blog: DELIBERATE!  Take control of your life so it doesn't take control of you. Easier said than done at times, I know.  But as long as you consistently get back to it, you will achieve it!

Even so, there are times that life just does take over.  And it is just going to.  The stroller wheel is going to snap off while you're out on a family walk to get your daily exercise in.  The kids are going to experience new highs in independence that are going to leave your house (and world) turned upside down for a stage.  You spouse will have days (or weeks) at work that make it so he gets home an hour - or two or three - later than anticipated, thus throwing off all of your "plans" and "goals" to accomplish things for the day.  The perfect diet that you know is best for your body and makes you the absolute happiest - body and spirit - is going to fly out the window in the face of double-stuffed Oreos and ice cold milk.

And, let's face it, YOU are going to have times when you just SHUT DOWN because that is all you CAN do!

That is why I LOVE the simple promise of this priceless quote.  Because it is true!  Change is constant!  If you love where you are, realize that things can and probably WILL change . . . and it can and will only get better even than it is right now!  If you are struggling just getting through each day and appreciating and enjoying where you are, realize that things WILL change . . . this is only temporary.  Every stop is followed by a go.  And, if you are like me, the go will feel like a newfound freedom, and you will RUN, unstoppable, when you can again.  However long temporary may last, it will not last forever!

So how do you get through the hard times?
1) Keep your chin up.  This too shall pass and, though it will be a part of who you are, in most cases it will not DEFINE who you are.
2) Keep focused on your goals and vision of the joyous things in your life and the glorious dreams ahead of you.
3) Offer gratitude every day so you don't get lost in it.
4) Ask for help where you can.  Don't try to tackle everything on your own, particularly when you are already struggling.
5) Learn to identify and let go of the things that really don't matter - no matter what anyone ELSE may say.
6) Even in the craziest moments, find someone else who needs you and do something for them . . . even if it's something that you cannot make happen for yourself but desperately want to have (perhaps ESPECIALLY if it's something you cannot make happen for yourself but desperately want to have).
7) Force yourself to keep moving in the direction you want to go - even if it is just with ONE thing. Don't let hard times become quicksand.  Pull yourself out and keep moving FORWARD!