Mental Health Awareness

I don't know if it's Mental Health Awareness month or anything, but I have had quite a few friends post about mental health, depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. the last week. And today as I was driving (because I drove around a LOT today - LOL!), I was thinking about mental health and my own experiences. And I felt like I needed to write this super long, vulnerable, get-real post. Maybe it's for me . . . maybe it's for you . . . maybe it's for your neighbor and neither of you even know it yet. :-)

I was trying to describe "mental illness" to someone, and the best way that I could capture it was to say that it was like I went into this dark hole - the real, normal, happy, carefree, take-anything-that-comes-with-optimism-and-make-it-better ME completely disappeared, without me even knowing or recognizing it. And then one day, I came out of that hole. I don't know why or how. Maybe something made me feel safe enough to come out. Or maybe my hormones started to stabilize a bit and it let me look up for a minute and realize I needed to crawl out. I'm not sure. But when I did, I was staring at a completely different person - someone unfamiliar and kind of terrifying in some ways because I couldn't relate to any part of her and didn't know what to do with her or where she had come from.

And the irony - ironic and yet makes SO much sense at the same time - is that Satan chose THAT moment to hit me with his hardest ammunition. And I think that's what put me in the hole. I was already hovering in fog and shadows, but I was still me and still making it, still swimming/smiling/laughing/staring at the light at the end of the tunnel and moving towards it with all of my kids in tow. And then came the hailstorms, and I held on for about nine months and then completely and totally disappeared for almost two years. And when I came back out . . . I guess I don't know if I've fully come back yet. ;-)

That said - that isn't what I wanted to share so much today as the feeling of being totally and completely disappointed with myself that I fell so hard and so deep and so dark. I know who I am! I know I'm a daughter of God! I know that He loves me! DEEPLY and deliberately and joyfully. My relationship to God has always felt like "Daddy's little girl" - His 'regalona' you could say. I know that I have the power to completely derail and rock Satan's whole plan and world because God has that power . . . and I stand with God. I know that I have a Savior who loves me and a Plan that is a Plan of Happiness, Hope, Peace, Joy, Love, and Laughter! I KNOW Laughter-over-Tears better than any other emotion - I can turn anything into a laughter and sunshine moment. I am funny - like laugh until your sides hurt and you're sobbing funny! I am not hopeless about life or the future. I'm not afraid to create what I want! I don't even see hard things most of the time because - with all of that LIGHT, how can you see hard in anything? I am a Celestial Kingdom or Bust kinda girl - and busting just isn't an option. ;-)

And "I" - with ALL of that - fell into a dark hole that I couldn't even see my way out of.

And I want you to know that it's okay. I can FINALLY say that it's okay. And it doesn't mean you're not all of those other things or don't understand all of those things or are faithless or lost or weak or anything else. And I wish that "I" had come to the table when Satan brought his hailstorms. I wish I had been whole and been there to fully step up and give him a drop-kick bigger than Texas and just landed him squarely and solidly away from me and my family and anything else. But I literally didn't have the power to do that. And that's the best way I can describe my season/version of "mental illness." Because of PPD that kind of turned into PTSD, I think, I was standing in quicksand/hovering over and landing in a dark hole that was filled with water. I'm not a "put a label on it" person. But that's the label people most recognize that makes it possible to best communicate what I feel makes my experience the most relate-able that I can make it.

And I think what I want to share the most - in case anyone is hovering in fog and shadow mode and about to meet some heavy hailstorms that knock them into a hole while they're there - is to find that ONE person who you can be ugly crying with or hysterical laughter with or call in the middle of the night when you are maybe even praying you could die because life just feels so heavy and lonely and unbearable and you don't have happy answers anywhere that you look and death sounds like a pretty good breather for a minute - and hang on, don't hold back! And while you're at it, pray for that person and that you get a chance to be that person for someone else some day. I had a few people that I turned to/opened up to/asked for help - rarely with even a grain of sand-size opening up compared to what I was feeling, but I still held onto the fact that I COULD turn to them when I felt I had nowhere else to turn. And I prayed and fasted for them, put their names on the temple Prayer Roll, pleaded for them to receive inspiration when I felt like my channel was running on static - every week for over two years. Without even talking to them many times, most times, they were my beacon of hope and strength. They were my connection to the reality I was trying to hold onto and get back to. Be connected to someone! A church leader, a friend, someone!

The other thing I pray for you is that your church group or work group or Network Marketing Group (LOL!) - whatever group you are connected to - will pull you in so tight you don't know if you will be able to breathe through the closeness. I hope you get hit with a leadership or service opportunity that takes all of your energy and time and thoughts and lets you breathe through being able to forget yourself and go to work for others, that forces you to keep standing in the light and allows you to link arms up-close with other people, pray with them for others, serve in the trenches with them for others, be part of a team, and NEVER have to say a single thing about your struggle because you being with them lets you forget yourself and stand in the light and keep breathing and remembering who you truly are, that you are loved and needed and not the thing you are passing through, and that trials are part of life and not a sign that God has forgotten you or that you have disappointed him or are "damaged" goods or that you did anything to deserve or merit or bring the hailstorm in any way. It will be part of your story - probably a part that is both too painful and too sacred to even talk about for a long time - but it won't become you or take you over or destroy you. Serving WITH others and FOR others gifts you that long-term identity reminder that I hope and pray you get to experience. Even more, it leaves you open to the constant Gift of the Spirit of REMEMBERING and connecting your present to the strength and solidarity of your past and the hope and joy of the future. Serving others is perhaps the GREATEST gift of both the Gospel AND the Church of Jesus Christ. And I pray that it shows up in your toolbox, is part of your Force Field, when your hailstorms hit.

I believe in the POWER of the Priesthood. There is the authority of the Priesthood and the Power of the Priesthood. And I believe firmly in the Power of the Priesthood of God to bless us and help us through the heaviest, darkest

And last of all - you've got this! The power behind you is greater than the challenge before you. God is NOT going to let you down! Even if you fall into the hole. He has a plan to bring you out and lift you higher still than you have ever been. In fact, He's counting on you as much as you are counting on Him - and His faith is never misplaced or wasted. So let this be your "sign from heaven" that you've been looking for. You've got this!